People tell me that being a stay-at-home Mom who works from home –thanks to technology– is the most ideal setting for women, and I agree. It’s hard not to list all the benefits you get to enjoy that I’m tempted to start a YouTube channel around the issue, just because. Although I don’t have that kind of time.

You see, there are still people out there that think becoming a full-time Mom means a woman has given up her career. So in regards to that, I’m a unicorn, because I get to care for my kid, enjoy her growing up, and maintain a career.

However, what these people perceive about this “ideal” mom-career-women combo is a wrong, toxic idea. The hard truth is when you’re wearing two different hats at the same time, you can never fully wear those hats fittingly.

In my case, I can never attend to either my kid or my job, without sacrificing the other, and more often than not, it’s my kid’s demand of quality time with me that’s on the chopping board.

It reminds me of a quote from The Devil Wears Prada when Anne Hathaway’s character Andrea complains to Stanley Tucci’s character Nigel that her personal life is falling apart. Nigel said, “That’s what happens when you start doing well at work. Let me know when your entire life goes up in smoke, then it’s time for a promotion.” Something I hope won’t happen to me, of course.

More technology, weaker mentality

When it comes to working from home, I’ve learned a thing or two when I was still a newlywed. I was quickly burned out when I decided to work from home full time and do all the household chores myself, without any help.

It made me wonder: Have women simply grown weaker? Apparently, things were much easier in the past when there was no technology at hand. Technology has made us women grow more independent. Yet on the other hand, we are not as focussed as our grandmothers -who can raise five to eight kids and run a household, AND help with the finances by selling handmade products. Though, there is always a possibility that the previous generation was just being not as open about mental health issues as the current generation.

So when a kid came into the picture, and I wasn’t in a position to give up my job, it took a whole new level of a mental and physical toll on me. Especially when I really wanted to be a good, poster Mom.

A poster Mom
A poster Mom is some mythical creature only exists in the age of Instagram. We all know how toxic Instagram can get. Unless we do something like quitting it altogether or physically putting the phone away, those who’re on it will eventually be sucked into more toxic screen time.

Also Read: Here’s how she does it: 6 tips to leverage motherhood to become a better businesswoman

That’s how the idea of being this well-rounded Mom stemmed from. Those who strive for vaginal birth, who breastfeed, who take care of her kid without a nanny, who is there 24/7, who provide, who cook the meal, who make sure kids won’t get screen time, who help with household finances, are perfect examples of a poster Mom’s traits.

In my case, most of the time I tick all the boxes except for screen time, and I’m having a hard time to come to terms with it.

Those who thrive, delegate

I’ve heard it too many times. You have to plan your day, and I agree. You have to delegate, and I agree, but it’s a luxury for me. You have to pick your battles and set priorities, I wholeheartedly agree.

Delegate, I’ve thought many times about it. But I know deep down that I can’t forgive myself if it’s my kid that I delegate. That’s one of the reasons I chose to give up office working life, and it’s a relief to see that the trends are catching up with this lifestyle.

I have a choice to make, and that choice is to stay behind with my kid. The consequences are striving to be present for my kid, as she can see me and for her young brain, that means Mommy’s available.

So, what I do is delegating the entertainment duty to YouTube. Not without supervision, and not without filtering first what she can and can’t watch.

I must admit that watching her eyes all glued to the screen brings me shame and occasional feeling like a failure. I should have done this last night, so I can be with her. I should have planned this through, should have stayed awake, so she can have fun with me. What’s the point of staying home when you can even be with your kid 100 per cent?

When the works are all piled up and I’m having trouble to breathe, I resort to YouTube. I struggle within but if I don’t do it, my work would suffer which means nothing would be done. Even after I let her watch YouTube through my phone, the work would be done but after a prolonged delay because I still try to engage her and watch her on the side.

In an article by Popular Science, there’s been a widespread misunderstanding about how WHO comes to the conclusion that no screen time at all for children under two years old is best. It got amplified to the point that giving your children screen equals to parents shaming.

The article said that the WHO has NEVER set out any recommendation on-screen time specifically. Limiting screen time access, the article said, is merely one of the things parents can do to encourage their kids to get moving and get enough sleep.

I quote: “What’s more, the report itself acknowledges that there’s very little research showing whether screen time is detrimental to health, and if so how that effect might be exerted. The report notes that “there was moderate to very low-quality evidence for screen time and adiposity, motor and cognitive development and psychosocial health and very low-quality evidence for overall sedentary time and adiposity, motor development and psychosocial health. The overall quality of evidence was rated as very low.”

It’s true, that there are association and damaging potential that takes the place of more active physical activities for kids but it’s not all bad. It just needs to be in moderation and constantly limited.

We can’t have it all
I stay behind in a way that I must be cool with delays. I must accept that at this stage, I should find the balance of working from home and still pay enough attention to my kid.

There are catastrophic moments, but there are also wins. I just need to ride along.

It’s trickier now that my kid is a 19-months-old toddler because what she wants now, she wants right away. It took me looking away several times from finishing just one thing on my laptop to tend to her needs because it’s just me and her all day every day.

Also Read: This co-working space tackles the number one problem working moms face: Guilt

So, every now and then I would sit her leaning on a pillow, and put my phone on horizontal, teach her to click “skip ad” when the countdown is over to watch one more round of Wheels on the Bus or ABCs song so I can share my article properly on social media, without interruption for the next ten minutes.

She would watch her favourite nursery rhyme songs, and when she remembers a new line from a new song, I’m brimming with pride. I must’ve done something right or it could be her brain is basically a sponge at this age. But still, I’m proud, and for a while, the guilt eases out.

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Image Credit: Bonnie Kittle on Unsplash

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